One of the biggest barriers to dicking it is the social stigma. People hear "Dick It" and they get weird about it. They giggle. They look away. They ask you to leave the Panera Bread. I get it. Society isn't ready for dicking it. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.
I've spent years perfecting the art of public dicking, and today I'm sharing my best strategies for dicking it openly, proudly, and without getting asked to leave (most of the time).
Start With Confidence
The number one reason people feel embarrassed dicking it in public is because they look embarrassed. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. When I dick it at the park, I don't skulk around the edges of the volleyball court. I walk directly to center court, make eye contact with every person within a 50-foot radius, and I dick it like my life depends on it. Because it does. Metaphorically.
Your energy sets the tone. If you're sheepish about dicking it, everyone around you will feel the awkwardness. But if you dick it with the confidence of a man who has been named "Most Likely To Dick It" three years in a row by the International Dicking Federation, people will respect it. Some may even join you.
Choose Your Location Wisely
Not every location is equally suited for dicking it. Through years of trial, error, and being escorted out of various establishments, I've developed a location rating system:
- Parks and beaches: Ideal. Wide open spaces. Minimal authority figures. Dick it freely.
- Gyms: Generally acceptable, though some personal trainers will try to tell you you're "doing it wrong." They don't understand the method. Ignore them.
- Offices: Proceed with caution. Kyle has repeatedly asked that dicking it be confined to the designated Dick It Zone (conference room B). Check your company's policy.
- Restaurants: Not recommended during peak hours. I once dicked it at an Applebee's and the manager called it "the most disturbing thing that's ever happened in this establishment." I took that as a compliment.
- Airports: Surprisingly good. Long layovers are perfect for impromptu dicking sessions. TSA has only intervened twice.
The "Explain It After" Technique
Here's a move that's saved me hundreds of times. When someone catches you dicking it in public and gives you a confused or concerned look, you don't explain before. You dick it first, then explain. By the time you're done, they've already witnessed the raw power of the Dick It Method, and no explanation is necessary. They either get it or they don't. If they don't, that's their problem.
Bring A Buddy
Everything is less awkward with a partner. Find a fellow dicker — someone who shares your passion and isn't afraid to dick it in broad daylight. Having a dicking partner normalizes the activity. Two people dicking it together is a team. One person dicking it alone in a park is... well, Kyle says I'm not allowed to finish that sentence for liability reasons.
Handle The Haters
You will encounter people who don't understand dicking it. People who mock it, who question it, who ask "is that even a real thing?" Here's what I tell every one of my students: the people who laugh at dicking it are the people who need it the most.
When someone gives you grief, look them in the eyes and say: "I dick it because I care about being the best version of myself. What do you do?" Then walk away. Slowly. Maintaining eye contact. That's the Dick It power move, and it works every time.
"The world will try to make you feel ashamed of dicking it. Don't let them. Dick it louder." — Andy
Public dicking isn't just an athletic choice — it's a lifestyle statement. You're telling the world, "I am a dicker, and I will not be silenced." Embrace it. Own it. And if all else fails, carry a volleyball with you. It makes everything 40% less awkward. Studies show. (I conducted the studies.)